Easter!

He is Risen!

We started the day with all three children shouting in excitement over their Easter baskets. I stretched, rubbed my eyes, and slowly rolled out of bed. While walking to the kitchen I had little munchkins jumping around my feet yelling and cheering. No time for coffee just yet! I grabbed the digital camera, walked to the sofa, and started snapping pictures of the kids ripping through their baskets. It was cute. Everyone loved their gifts. That's what I'm most thankful for. The pure excitement over simple gifts.

After the baskets were opened, everyone needed to get breakfast, wash up, and get ready to go to Pappy and Nana's house for the festivities! (and ham!) Once everyone was ready, I decided to do a mini photo session with the kids dressed up. I had fun. I hope the kids did too. I rarely get a chance to shoot pictures of Caitlin. She looked so adorable in her pink plaid dress.

At Pappy and Nana's we did the usual Easter activities. We didn't have room for an egg toss like we did at Grandma Jean's last year, but it was still fun. The little kids, Cooper, Delaney, Riley, and Caitlin, were the only ones hunting eggs this year. The twins, Nick and Phoebe, who are now teenagers, hid the eggs. We had to keep reminding them that the hunters were mainly toddlers. "Low and obvious," We kept saying. Haha.

After the hunt, we checked all of the eggs and found lots of change! Cooper made $3, Delaney made $2.50, and Caitlin made $2. More money for candy! Haha. NOT. I'm sick of seeing jellybeans. I'm sick of seeing eggs.

The next major holiday isn't until July! Yay!




On another note, my mama told me her vacation is April 23rd - May 3rd! I am BEYOND excited. I miss her terribly. Two weeks from Monday. Two weeks. Ohhhh I can NOT wait! :)

Gavin is now in a rush to finish moving all the brick in the backyard to make a nice larger patio for her. I told my ma he's working me to death over it. Her response? "I'm coming to visit you guys, not your backyard!" Oh how I love her. :)

That's all the news I've got today. I'm bushwhacked
Goodnight.

What Do You Do?

I can't seem to keep my kids busy enough. I sat down for 20 minutes to pay bills and it turned into an hour of me saying things like:

"Don't touch that!"
"Put that down."
"No. I said no!"
"Get out of there, please."
"Don't eat that!"

I have to squeeze everything I need to get done in the day during nap time. Two and a half hours. How am I supposed to do laundry, clean up the house, pay my bills, and shower in that time? Not possible. I'm frustrated.

I've got to work on having patience. I know it's something I lack as a mother. Shoot, it's something I lack in general. I hate repeating myself. If I say no, I mean no. If I say do not go outside, I mean do not go outside. My kids don't listen to me very well.

My son now gets into everything. He knows how to work the fridge lock. He knows how to work the front, sliding glass, and garage doors. We even had to install a chain lock on the top of the front door so he can't escape!

I'll get this zoo under control one day! :)

Lost

I lost my job about two weeks ago and can't help but feel completely worthless. I know everyone says it's not my fault and I'll get back on the horse, but it's not that simple. I have to make a minimum of $10/hr and work 40 hours a week to even keep my head above water with childcare costs.

I feel like I'm drowning. I've completely lost touch with my boyfriend. We fight constantly. All he does is eat, sleep, and work. All I do is cook, clean, watch the kids ALL DAY, and don't even get thanked at the end of the day. I tell him how much I appreciate what he is doing for us, working 13 hour days to keep us afloat..... He just doesn't listen.... I'm just another person in the house.... the lady who takes care of his children. Nothing more.

I have this deep need for human interaction that is definitely not being met. My brain isn't being stimulated. I feel like I'm being swallowed whole by my thoughts, fears, and realities.....

Stressed. Beyond stressed.

Let's add to the stress, shall we?

I took a pregnancy test on April Fool's  Day as a joke and it turned out positive. Positive. I'm on the depo shot. I haven't had a period in almost a year, so there was no surprise "where's my period?" scare.... Is there such a person who is immune to hormonal birth control? If there is, it must be me. I'm waiting till tomorrow to buy a different brand (double pack) to make sure....

I've only told my mother and two of my sisters...and Gavin. Gav immediately told me I couldn't be pregnant, laughed, and blew me off. Go figure.

My relationship is so strained. I don't know what to do. Tonight I had my first emotional break down. An incident occurred and I apologized for what I had done, but he said he had nothing to be sorry for.

Not sorry for the outburst.
Not sorry for throwing the remote.
Not sorry for hurting my feelings.
Not sorry for making me cry.


Not sorry.


I ended up crying even more because of his coldness. He refused to touch me. I cried harder. He yelled at me for needing to sleep because he has to work such long hours since I lost my job.... More tears came.... Then he went to the sofa.


I find myself sitting here wondering what I did to get myself in this situation. (Not the argument, my life situation)


Jobless.
Stay at home mom.
Possibly expecting.
Relationship on the brink of combustion....


Where did I go wrong? Why me?


I know they say you're never given more than you can handle in life, but I don't believe it anymore. I've been given too much on a constant basis.

I haven't had my mom around since I was 15. My parents went through an ugly divorce. My mom moved to Louisiana with my sister. (and me, but I couldn't stick it down there and moved back to Arizona)

So I didn't get the mother-daughter sex talk. I didn't have her to talk to when I lost my virginity. I didn't have her shoulder to cry on when I ended my first real relationship (2 years). I didn't have her around for prom, or any other dance.... I didn't have her to give advice when I moved out on my own. I didn't have her to cry WITH when I first found out I was pregnant......


I just didn't have here here with me like she was supposed to be.


I was robbed of the things teenage girls are supposed to experience with their mothers. It's not fair. I think about it so often, it kills me. How much better would my teenage years have been if my mother could have been around.

I still consider myself lucky for what I DO have....

I just try to block out the negative. We'll see how long that lasts.




If I had 8 arms, there would be a tissue in each hand right now.