Lost

I lost my job about two weeks ago and can't help but feel completely worthless. I know everyone says it's not my fault and I'll get back on the horse, but it's not that simple. I have to make a minimum of $10/hr and work 40 hours a week to even keep my head above water with childcare costs.

I feel like I'm drowning. I've completely lost touch with my boyfriend. We fight constantly. All he does is eat, sleep, and work. All I do is cook, clean, watch the kids ALL DAY, and don't even get thanked at the end of the day. I tell him how much I appreciate what he is doing for us, working 13 hour days to keep us afloat..... He just doesn't listen.... I'm just another person in the house.... the lady who takes care of his children. Nothing more.

I have this deep need for human interaction that is definitely not being met. My brain isn't being stimulated. I feel like I'm being swallowed whole by my thoughts, fears, and realities.....

Stressed. Beyond stressed.

Let's add to the stress, shall we?

I took a pregnancy test on April Fool's  Day as a joke and it turned out positive. Positive. I'm on the depo shot. I haven't had a period in almost a year, so there was no surprise "where's my period?" scare.... Is there such a person who is immune to hormonal birth control? If there is, it must be me. I'm waiting till tomorrow to buy a different brand (double pack) to make sure....

I've only told my mother and two of my sisters...and Gavin. Gav immediately told me I couldn't be pregnant, laughed, and blew me off. Go figure.

My relationship is so strained. I don't know what to do. Tonight I had my first emotional break down. An incident occurred and I apologized for what I had done, but he said he had nothing to be sorry for.

Not sorry for the outburst.
Not sorry for throwing the remote.
Not sorry for hurting my feelings.
Not sorry for making me cry.


Not sorry.


I ended up crying even more because of his coldness. He refused to touch me. I cried harder. He yelled at me for needing to sleep because he has to work such long hours since I lost my job.... More tears came.... Then he went to the sofa.


I find myself sitting here wondering what I did to get myself in this situation. (Not the argument, my life situation)


Jobless.
Stay at home mom.
Possibly expecting.
Relationship on the brink of combustion....


Where did I go wrong? Why me?


I know they say you're never given more than you can handle in life, but I don't believe it anymore. I've been given too much on a constant basis.

I haven't had my mom around since I was 15. My parents went through an ugly divorce. My mom moved to Louisiana with my sister. (and me, but I couldn't stick it down there and moved back to Arizona)

So I didn't get the mother-daughter sex talk. I didn't have her to talk to when I lost my virginity. I didn't have her shoulder to cry on when I ended my first real relationship (2 years). I didn't have her around for prom, or any other dance.... I didn't have her to give advice when I moved out on my own. I didn't have her to cry WITH when I first found out I was pregnant......


I just didn't have here here with me like she was supposed to be.


I was robbed of the things teenage girls are supposed to experience with their mothers. It's not fair. I think about it so often, it kills me. How much better would my teenage years have been if my mother could have been around.

I still consider myself lucky for what I DO have....

I just try to block out the negative. We'll see how long that lasts.




If I had 8 arms, there would be a tissue in each hand right now.