Fix it. Fix me. Fix us.

Do you remember how it used to be when you were younger? When things were broken they always got fixed....

That is definitely not the case anymore. 

I find myself wondering why people forge into relationships. I'm starting to wonder why I feel like I'm trying so hard and yet, I get told on a constant basis that I don't try at all. I found out today that I am being watched, judged, and some days tested... He now counts the number of times I leave a spoon in the sink or counts how long it takes me to fold the socks he piles on the dresser. I'm never given verbal cues... I'm used to verbal cues... "Hey babe, can you fold those socks I put on the dresser yesterday? I'd really appreciate it."..... I haven't heard anything remotely similar in a long time. 

I thought you were supposed to be happy after five years... We're working on number six and I often worry we won't make it. I try to sit down and talk like adults and everything gets put on my shoulders, it seems. According to him, the root of all our relationship problems lies in my untidiness. I'm not a complete slob, I am just forgetful. I often leave my hair dryer on the bathroom counter, I recently left a cup on my nightstand, and I had two pairs of shoes by the front door. These are all things that, apparently, drive him bonkers. To the point of telling me he no longer likes to be around me. He doesn't like me because I am a "slob." 

Whenever he goes on a cleaning tangent, I want to assist. Yesterday was one of those days. He blares his music and just goes crazy on the house. I decided to pitch in and do the dishes. To my surprise, I was yelled at. I was told not to do anything because he wanted to clean. Now, what exactly am I supposed to do with this information? I'm confused. Tori clean, you're a slob. Tori don't clean, I'm doing it. I don't think I'll ever win this battle.

I understand he's definitely OCD with cleaning, but apparently I'm supposed to accept it wholly, and never try to push him to change. I'm supposed to change myself completely to accommodate him. All he has to do is see that I've stopped being a slob, and he magically starts caring for me again.

For some reason, I don't exactly see it working out that way.

My feelings are never put into place. I'm always given an ultimatum. 

I haven't heard him tell me he loves me in a long time. And I mean that as a spur of the moment type of thing. I say it often and he responds in robotic fashion, as he has learned to. He feels he shouldn't "be forced" to tell me he loves me 10 times a day and yet, it comes naturally to me. 

I don't think I've felt this broken in a long time. I feel like I'm trying and all that happens is me feeling worthless and him being Mr. Superiority. Mr. Always Right. 

I've tried to explain the "it takes two to tango" scenario, and he doesn't get it. I tried to explain that everything in our lives is supposed to be WE not ME. It's supposed to be US. He thinks it's ridiculous to give me a heads up when he invites someone over. He also thinks it's appropriate to blare his music whilst everyone is home trying to do their own thing, getting a headache from the noise.

It's interesting how suddenly all of the things he LOVES doing, are disrespectful of the other people in the house. It's like, he would rather us not be there. 

I feel disrespected on a regular basis. He always refers to my feelings being hurt as "not being over him leaving me." I find that asinine. It neither relates to my feelings nor has any validity at this point in my life.

YOU CREATED THIS TRAIN WRECK AND YOU REFUSE TO EVEN ATTEMPT TO FIX IT.

When is it acceptable to throw in the towel? I'm tearing apart at the seams.

Easter!

He is Risen!

We started the day with all three children shouting in excitement over their Easter baskets. I stretched, rubbed my eyes, and slowly rolled out of bed. While walking to the kitchen I had little munchkins jumping around my feet yelling and cheering. No time for coffee just yet! I grabbed the digital camera, walked to the sofa, and started snapping pictures of the kids ripping through their baskets. It was cute. Everyone loved their gifts. That's what I'm most thankful for. The pure excitement over simple gifts.

After the baskets were opened, everyone needed to get breakfast, wash up, and get ready to go to Pappy and Nana's house for the festivities! (and ham!) Once everyone was ready, I decided to do a mini photo session with the kids dressed up. I had fun. I hope the kids did too. I rarely get a chance to shoot pictures of Caitlin. She looked so adorable in her pink plaid dress.

At Pappy and Nana's we did the usual Easter activities. We didn't have room for an egg toss like we did at Grandma Jean's last year, but it was still fun. The little kids, Cooper, Delaney, Riley, and Caitlin, were the only ones hunting eggs this year. The twins, Nick and Phoebe, who are now teenagers, hid the eggs. We had to keep reminding them that the hunters were mainly toddlers. "Low and obvious," We kept saying. Haha.

After the hunt, we checked all of the eggs and found lots of change! Cooper made $3, Delaney made $2.50, and Caitlin made $2. More money for candy! Haha. NOT. I'm sick of seeing jellybeans. I'm sick of seeing eggs.

The next major holiday isn't until July! Yay!




On another note, my mama told me her vacation is April 23rd - May 3rd! I am BEYOND excited. I miss her terribly. Two weeks from Monday. Two weeks. Ohhhh I can NOT wait! :)

Gavin is now in a rush to finish moving all the brick in the backyard to make a nice larger patio for her. I told my ma he's working me to death over it. Her response? "I'm coming to visit you guys, not your backyard!" Oh how I love her. :)

That's all the news I've got today. I'm bushwhacked
Goodnight.

What Do You Do?

I can't seem to keep my kids busy enough. I sat down for 20 minutes to pay bills and it turned into an hour of me saying things like:

"Don't touch that!"
"Put that down."
"No. I said no!"
"Get out of there, please."
"Don't eat that!"

I have to squeeze everything I need to get done in the day during nap time. Two and a half hours. How am I supposed to do laundry, clean up the house, pay my bills, and shower in that time? Not possible. I'm frustrated.

I've got to work on having patience. I know it's something I lack as a mother. Shoot, it's something I lack in general. I hate repeating myself. If I say no, I mean no. If I say do not go outside, I mean do not go outside. My kids don't listen to me very well.

My son now gets into everything. He knows how to work the fridge lock. He knows how to work the front, sliding glass, and garage doors. We even had to install a chain lock on the top of the front door so he can't escape!

I'll get this zoo under control one day! :)

Lost

I lost my job about two weeks ago and can't help but feel completely worthless. I know everyone says it's not my fault and I'll get back on the horse, but it's not that simple. I have to make a minimum of $10/hr and work 40 hours a week to even keep my head above water with childcare costs.

I feel like I'm drowning. I've completely lost touch with my boyfriend. We fight constantly. All he does is eat, sleep, and work. All I do is cook, clean, watch the kids ALL DAY, and don't even get thanked at the end of the day. I tell him how much I appreciate what he is doing for us, working 13 hour days to keep us afloat..... He just doesn't listen.... I'm just another person in the house.... the lady who takes care of his children. Nothing more.

I have this deep need for human interaction that is definitely not being met. My brain isn't being stimulated. I feel like I'm being swallowed whole by my thoughts, fears, and realities.....

Stressed. Beyond stressed.

Let's add to the stress, shall we?

I took a pregnancy test on April Fool's  Day as a joke and it turned out positive. Positive. I'm on the depo shot. I haven't had a period in almost a year, so there was no surprise "where's my period?" scare.... Is there such a person who is immune to hormonal birth control? If there is, it must be me. I'm waiting till tomorrow to buy a different brand (double pack) to make sure....

I've only told my mother and two of my sisters...and Gavin. Gav immediately told me I couldn't be pregnant, laughed, and blew me off. Go figure.

My relationship is so strained. I don't know what to do. Tonight I had my first emotional break down. An incident occurred and I apologized for what I had done, but he said he had nothing to be sorry for.

Not sorry for the outburst.
Not sorry for throwing the remote.
Not sorry for hurting my feelings.
Not sorry for making me cry.


Not sorry.


I ended up crying even more because of his coldness. He refused to touch me. I cried harder. He yelled at me for needing to sleep because he has to work such long hours since I lost my job.... More tears came.... Then he went to the sofa.


I find myself sitting here wondering what I did to get myself in this situation. (Not the argument, my life situation)


Jobless.
Stay at home mom.
Possibly expecting.
Relationship on the brink of combustion....


Where did I go wrong? Why me?


I know they say you're never given more than you can handle in life, but I don't believe it anymore. I've been given too much on a constant basis.

I haven't had my mom around since I was 15. My parents went through an ugly divorce. My mom moved to Louisiana with my sister. (and me, but I couldn't stick it down there and moved back to Arizona)

So I didn't get the mother-daughter sex talk. I didn't have her to talk to when I lost my virginity. I didn't have her shoulder to cry on when I ended my first real relationship (2 years). I didn't have her around for prom, or any other dance.... I didn't have her to give advice when I moved out on my own. I didn't have her to cry WITH when I first found out I was pregnant......


I just didn't have here here with me like she was supposed to be.


I was robbed of the things teenage girls are supposed to experience with their mothers. It's not fair. I think about it so often, it kills me. How much better would my teenage years have been if my mother could have been around.

I still consider myself lucky for what I DO have....

I just try to block out the negative. We'll see how long that lasts.




If I had 8 arms, there would be a tissue in each hand right now.

Baby Mama Drama

I met Gavin when I was 13. He was friends with my oldest sister, Brenna, and I had a gigantic crush on him. He listened to the same music I did and was really sweet to me. Funny how young girls take older guys being nice to them a little too much to heart. He was 18 at the time and I knew, even at such a young age, that I would never date this dude.

...hah!

I graduated high school in 2007. I was still working at CVS at the time and having complications with my cheating, drug addicted, alcohol dependent, delinquent of a "high school sweetheart." Gavin found me on FaceBook and wanted to catch up. I was game! He looked mostly the same, with a few extra pounds and a lot less hair. We exchanged numbers and had made a plan to eat and see a movie.

I, being the open and honest woman that I am, told Jason about it. I mean, he gets to go out wherever, whenever, with whomever he wants to. Why can't I? Apparently it was a huge deal. Jason flipped his top. I hadn't even gone to see Gavin and Jason was accusing me of cheating on him and all kinds of craziness. I told Jason that I was going no matter what he said because it's unfair to have a double standard. Well, he got crazier. Called me about 100 times that night and I kept ignoring him. Finally, I answered and Jason flat out told me he had been cheating on me since we started dating and that things were over. Wow. So guess who was there to let me cry on his shoulder? Da da da dahhhh! My hero! So that's what happens. Some men are just there for you when you need someone most and it means the world to you.

Now we are working on a 5 year relationship while raising our two beautiful children full time and his cute 7 year old on the weekends. The only downfall? Her mother.

Caitlin's mother, Danielle, is a crazy woman. I use the term crazy, quite loosely. I can't count the number of boyfriends, houses and jobs she has had in the past 5 years.

This woman argues over everything. She picks petty arguments over silly things. She will randomly text Gavin things such as "I'll call the police if you don't drop her off on time." "I need your address so I can serve you with paperwork." "You're a dead beat dad."  I would go on, but I just hate thinking about it. It makes my blood boil. Whatever happened to kindness? Whatever happened to please and thank you? Whatever happened to ladies acting like ladies?

I know what happened. She dropped out of high school after two weeks, got married at 15, pregnant at 16, and lost both of her oldest children to her husband due to a meth habit. Classy.

Danielle has a weird, for lack of a better word, life cycle... She will meet a guy, fall in love with him in a week, and move herself AND poor, sweet Caitlin into his home by week #3. Give the relationship three to nine months and it's done-zo! Danielle either moves into a studio/shack or back in with her mother. Wonderful cycle she has going on. Unfortunately, Danielle's little cycle ended when her mother, Starla, moved out of state. Now what is Danielle to do?

With Starla out of Arizona, Danielle has no free ride. She has no place to go if things with a new beau fall through. The news following this statement is unexpected! Danielle is trying to move to live with her mother! This lovely lady is petitioning for full custody and trying to take Caitlin from us. Was that too predictable? Oops! Hehe.

So I'm beyond upset. I've known this little girl since she was three years old.... I can't imagine life without her.

Last Sunday she told us she wanted to stay in Arizona with us. I asked her why and she said she would miss her brother and sister too much. OUCH! Haha. If only she had added, "and Dad and you!" Oh well, I'll take her wishing to stay in Arizona for any reason at this point. I don't want to see her go. I don't want to say goodbye.

If I had those 8 arms, I'd be tempted to strangle Danielle with each and every hand......

They still sound like a good idea. :)

A Little Piece of the Big Picture

I've been working at my new job as a quality control inspector for a medical supply company for only three short weeks and I can now say I enjoy what I do for a living. My job prevents product failure in a medical device that processes cord blood. This is important due to the fact that, with cord blood samples, you only get one shot. If the medical device happens to fail, they lose part, or all of the sample. You have no idea which child will end up needing their cord blood in the future. If you lose one sample, you essentially lose a child's chance at a better life. 

"When Chloe was one year old, her parents, Jenny and Ryan, received news that she had suffered from an in-utero stroke before birth, resulting in a diagnosis of right-sided Hemiplegic Cerebral Palsy. Fortunately the Levines had banked Chloe’s cord blood with CBR, which allowed her to undergo an infusion of her own stem cells as part of a study at Duke University.

Prior to her treatment, Chloe held her hand in a tight fist, was not holding a bottle, couldn’t push herself up, and was not able to crawl like other babies her age, instead shuffling across the room. Within four days of Chloe’s infusion, the Levines began to see dramatic changes in their little girl. Chloe, who was nearly paralyzed on her right side, began to lose the rigidity and stiffness in her body, could lift both arms over her head, and began running and jumping. Today, Fox News reports that Chloe’s progress is still evident: "Her life is completely normal, she doesn’t drag her right foot, she can use her right hand," Jenny Levine said. 'She rides a bike, a scooter…we’re taking her skiing this year. She’s fabulous.'"


The following is a list of some of the diseases that have been treated with cord blood and other sources of the same type of stem cell, like bone marrow. For inherited genetic conditions, the child will not be able to use his or her own stem cells. A matched sibling's stem cells would be the first choice.


Cancers

Acute Leukemia
Chronic Leukemia
High-Risk Solid Tumors
Hodgkin & Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma
Myelodysplastic Syndrome

Blood Disorders

Beta Thalassemia
Diamond-Blackfan Anemia
Fanconi Anemia
Severe Aplastic Anemia
Sickle Cell Disease

Immune Disorders

Chronic Granulomatous Disease
Hystiocytic Disorders
Leukocyte Adhesion Deficiency
Severe Combined Immunodeficiency Diseases
Wiskott-Aldrich Syndrome

Metabolic Disorders
Krabbe Disease
Hurler Syndrome
Metachromatic Leukodystrophy
Sanfilippo Syndrome

Playing a small part in bettering a child's life is leaps and bounds away from being a cashier. I'm absolutely okay with that.

If I had 8 arms, it would increase my productivity at my new job. :)

Starting at the beginning.

I am 23 years young, a mother of two beautiful children and a loving girlfriend of (almost) 5 years. I have a 7 year old step daughter and have to deal with her God awful mother.....

I'm starting this blog so I can prevent pulling out the REST of my hair.

I believe I will start with the amazing adventures of daycare! (and the resulting landslide of problems)

The past two weeks has been horrendous. I had never expected things to go how they did. On Tuesday, January 2nd, my children both started attending daycare! I'm sure you're thinking, "What fun! What joy! How exciting!" Unfortunately this was nowhere near my thought process. I was scared. I was sad. I was angry at myself for needing a job that took up so much of my time with them.

So the kids start daycare without a hitch. They barely cried, behaved for their teachers and made some pretty nifty artwork in the first week! I was getting excited about this daycare thing!

Then week two arrived... I get a phone call on Tuesday from daycare saying Delaney is inconsolable and needs to be picked up as soon as possible. I leave early from work and pick up both children. Delaney is miserable. She screams until red in the face, with giant crocodile tears rolling down her soft, rosy cheeks the entire ride home. We arrive at the apartment complex and pile out of the car. I, having my hands full with diaper bag, lunch box and sick screaming baby, let Cooper walk the four steps and down the pathway to our door on his own. "It's no big deal," I thought. "He has done this a hundred times before..." Then BAM! Cooper walks face first into a brick column. His eyebrow is busted open, blood running down his little face. He begins howling in pain, grabbing his face, smearing blood everywhere. I rushed into the house, put Delaney down and rush to the medicine cabinet. Delaney starts screaming because she is in pain and is no longer being held. Cooper is screaming because of his busted eyebrow. What about mom? Mom is on the verge of tears because everything seems to be falling apart at once.

I cleaned Cooper up and gave him a Buzz Lightyear bandaid. He looked pretty cool with his new battle wound. ;) I give both of the children ibuprofen for their pain and cuddle them on the sofa. Why don't mothers have 8 arms? Two is not nearly enough.

Wednesday arrives and Delaney is still in pain. I take her to urgent care and find out she has an ear infection. Wondrous! On the way to urgent care, I noticed the car acting up. I called BrakeMax to set up an appointment for after Dee's visit. We stop off at Walgreen's and pick up her medication and off to the auto place we go!

After waiting for 20 minutes, I am informed that the clutch is going out in my car. I am then told that it will cost, with labor, $1,375. I almost keeled over. Talk about sticker shock. My dad stops by to check out what's going on. You know how parents are, you are never too old for them to stop checking up on you. He co-signs for a credit of $1,000 and pays cash for the $375. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without him. Probably drown.

Friday comes, the car is ready. Hooray! I'm pretty proud of myself for handling the situation in the way I did. I figured a credit broken down into monthly payments of less than $70 is better than forking out nearly $1,000 on the spot. Unfortunately, some don't exactly agree with that. My decision making isn't always considered educated. I take things in stride, try not to let it bother me.

Oh yeah, I was just informed by my boyfriend's baby mama that she's petitioning to move out of state with my step-daughter, but that's another entire page of drama better left for another day. ;)

So that's the beginning, I guess. I'm sure I've rattled on enough for today! I have written this blog with a sleeping 16 month old in my arms. It is decided. I need 8 arms. Puts a whole new twist on octomom.